Wie mijn live verslag van de Nintendo presentatie heeft gezien, weet dat ik er geen goed woord voor over had. Maar ik ben niet de enige die in ziet dat Nintendo behoorlijk de weg is kwijt geraakt, want ook de Cracked.com schrijver John Cheese heeft zich dood geergerd aan de huidige koers en dit artikel gescheren. Daar in staan vijf redenen dat Nintento batshit insane geworden zijn, en daar moet ik het helaas mee eens zijn.

#2. They Think Basic Button Presses Should Be a Game-Stopping Clusterfuck

I need you to think of a very specific game for a second, so hopefully you've played it. Just kidding -- I need you to think of every first-person shooter you've played in the past 15 years. When you needed to switch weapons, what did you do? Most of you said, "Press a direction on the D-pad." A few said, "Press the left or right button (or trigger)." The point is that you pressed one button, and booyah: new weapon.

Looking at that Batman example I mentioned a few points ago, I will concede that this is maybe what they were going for. It may be a pause-screen moment where he's using the touch pad to load up his batpants, and I'm fine with that. The same can't be said for the Wii U's horror title ZombiU.

See the game screen behind that gargantuan controller? That's the game, still going on while he's fucking around with the game pad, trying to loot a corpse and select his weapon. What you can't tell from the picture, but totally can by watching this video, is that the whole time, there is a zombie trying to (and does) bust down the door.

Why is that important? Because it means that the act of navigating a menu in order to change weapons is now a part of the game's survival strategy. Not the story -- not the aiming -- not running or stealth or strategic avoidance. A goddamn menu. They took what used to be "Press a direction on the control pad" and introduced false difficulty by making it harder to perform the basic functions of the fucking game. How's that for an immersion breaker? "You're not being chased by zombies. You're controlling a computer that is rendering virtual enemies. Quick, navigate your menu!"

Or how about padding the difficulty by forcing you to take your eyes completely off of the game while you try to enter numbers into a keypad in order to get a door open? Don't worry, they have that covered!

When gamers say we're tired of games being too easy, we didn't mean that we wanted them to come into our houses and cover up our monitors while we're trying to play.

I didn't add that text -- that's the game telling you to stop what you're doing and look down at your controller. It's a cheap-ass way of faking tension by getting you to concentrate on another screen while a zombie pops out on the one you've turned away from. It's their version of the big brother who goes, "Hey, what's that over there?" And then when you look away, he gives you a wedgie.

But that's far from the worst use of this new controller. Nintendo haters are going to full on masturbate when they see this ...